In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
