just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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