i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
