i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
