i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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