i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
