im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the day after is always just damage control
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
