All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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