I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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