there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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