headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
