We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
