I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
