I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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