Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize