Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
