well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
