Your face is a jimmy john
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
