you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
