Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
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