On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
