You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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