Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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