tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I think your dad took our porno
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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