dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
