He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
