we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize