tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
