Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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