we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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