win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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