Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
