My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
