I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
People in love make me want to vomit
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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