I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
