just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
