White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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