i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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