fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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