I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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