I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
