Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I lost the right to judge tonight
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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