I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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