you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
