Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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