Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
