I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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