You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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