Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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