I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
