Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At least life still wants to fuck me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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