I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
