Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
