she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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