So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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