I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
