Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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