And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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