apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
