Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
