I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize