I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
